There are several reasons why men pull back. In this piece, I want to review various scenarios that can instigate a man’s withdrawal and strategies that will bring him back if he has a strong interest in you and the relationship. 

Let’s dive in. What do you do if a man pulls back? We’ve all experienced a time when a man we’ve been interested in has pulled back. How we handle a man pulling back will either deepen his level of attraction or cause him to pull away and leave the relationship entirely. 

I remember a time when my husband pulled away. It came as a complete shock as he was the one who was quite serious about me and our relationship, and it had always been me who had taken things much slower and was much more cautious. I was driving home from a girl’s getaway when he called me and told me that he couldn’t give me what I wanted and that things were moving too quickly for him. I was in complete shock. When I saw him later that day, he continued to say that things were moving too quickly and that he didn’t expect to find me so fast. He hoped to be alone for some time and not move into anything serious. To make a long story short, I left his place and agreed with what he was saying. I said, “Okay.” We spoke later that evening, and he was still quite cold and distant. The next day, I decided to pull back myself. I thought that if he felt unready, that was his loss. I felt the feelings of anxiety and fear, and I teach you how to be with your emotions in a healthy way in my course “Feminine Woman, Shadow Edition” which was a 6-month coaching program that I ran. I’ve made it available as a self-study program so you can gain as much awareness about men, healing, and masculine-feminine energy, so make sure to check that out. Well, that afternoon, he started to call and text me. I didn’t reply. Eventually, he called and messaged me a few times, so I told him I was pretty busy that day. After work, he messaged me again, concerned I had not returned his calls. At that point, I was vulnerable and shared that I felt uncomfortable speaking to him after what had happened. He then opened up as well. We met that day for dinner, and he looked at me with tears in his eyes while holding my hands across the table. He apologized for fear that had gotten the best of him. He assured me that that would never happen again. 

Fear is the number one reason men pull away when they’re in love—fear of getting hurt and the unknown of where things are headed. Men have commitment fears, especially men who have experienced previous negative relationships and have a fear of loss of freedom. How we navigate these fears either brings them closer to solidifying a greater level of commitment or pushes them away entirely. When we’re moving into deeper levels of commitment with a man, his fears will often come up. That could be before a move, getting engaged or at any level of significant importance in the relationship. It could feel great to a man, and all could be well, but the moment it hits him, the relationship is getting serious, he might become overwhelmed and pull back. During this time, we don’t want to panic or freak out. We also don’t want to go into convincing mode. When a man pulls away, considering all things are good and happy, the best thing to do is to agree with his concerns and pull back yourself. If he genuinely loves you, he’ll snap out of it himself. The moment we panic and go into fear as a reaction to his fear, the worse things become. We’ll react in fear because we haven’t learned to self-soothe, so we lash out and act unbecomingly. When we do this, a man’s fears become bigger. His fears also become more significant when we try to convince him in any way that he’s wrong for his choices. If he decides to take a step back and we refute him in any way, it’ll only keep him from maintaining his strong posture.

Another reason men in love pullback is that a woman’s behaviours change.

In the earlier stages of getting to know a man, a woman is usually appreciative and happy and makes it known. As time passes, she becomes overly reliant and critical of him. What once felt good to a man starts to feel overwhelming. When certain behaviours continue in a relationship, especially earlier on (before the 6-month mark), a man pulls back to evaluate if the relationship is right for him. He doubts his ability to make her happy in the long run and questions if the effort is worth it. Most men do not want to work to make a woman happy; they want to be with a woman who is already happy. A happy woman is easy to please and fun to be around. When the relationship starts to feel draining just because a man will begin to pull away, now, in this scenario, I am not referring to the general challenges most couples will face, but rather an unhappy woman who nags and is always upset. If a man is generally a good guy and makes an effort, and we take advantage of his kindness and expect more from him, he will eventually become resistant and push back. Most men do not want conflict and will demonstrate their unhappiness by pulling back. You can instigate a man’s desire again by taking responsibility for your role in him pulling back. Tell him if you were overly critical, and acknowledge what he does for you. Accountability is vulnerability and, when done genuinely, will restore connection once again. 

When a man pulls back during the dating stage before exclusivity, you don’t want to reach out to him, question why he’s pulled back, or close the gap for him. At this stage, he’s most likely dating other women and sorting out his feelings for you. Your level of healing will show up at this stage. If you’re secure, you might notice that you haven’t heard from him, but you’ll let it be, and you won’t feel much anxiety. You’re not in a committed relationship with him, and you’re okay with letting him go if that’s what he feels is best for him. My book “What Men Want” explores the various dating stages. I also wrote about when I didn’t hear from my husband for maybe a week and a half. We were still pretty early into dating, and we didn’t communicate much between dates, but I remember this moment when I thought he wasn’t interested and thought well, that’s too bad. I didn’t think anything else of it and let things be. The next day, he reached out and set up another date. In this stage, you want to let men sort themselves out and trust in your feminine desirability. If you genuinely believe you are a catch, you’ll trust that if not this man, another man, and you’ll know that the Universe always has your back. Any tendency to want to lean in at this point is a sign that we must do inner work. 

At this stage, a man might be busy dating other women or assessing his feelings about us. Men also test us unconsciously to see how we react in various situations. Healthy men are not doing this on purpose; it’s a subconscious reaction that they have to want to be with the most high-value woman possible. Deep down, he wants a woman who won’t be bothered if he pulls back because she knows her worth. And he’s also assessing how you’ll react when he comes back. Will you be cold and reactive and have all sorts of expectations? Because if you do, at this earlier stage, how will it be when he’s in a relationship with you? You want to take things slow so that you don’t become attached earlier on and maintain your own life and composure as you date him and other men. 

And finally, sometimes a man pulls back simply because he’s stressed or there has been a lot of connection, and he needs time to recharge. Men love being emotionally close; you won’t experience a man pulling away if you’re in love and a committed relationship. You will find a man with interests and hobbies, which will be the organic space away from the relationship occasionally. In most masculine-feminine relationships, space is a natural consequence of these men being busy. The space is organic, as a masculine man will have other things going on besides the relationship he wants to focus on. Masculine energy is purposeful and cannot focus only on a relationship and connection. He will appear to pull away if he’s taking time for himself. I don’t consider this pulling away, but rather a man doing what he needs to do to recharge. Some ways my husband recharges are working out and golfing. These activities do not suggest a pullback but just him taking care of his needs. Because he has his own time away from me working, and when he’s at the gym or with friends, he doesn’t feel the need to pull away. He always wants to spend time with me and be around me. When a man is busy or needs to care for his own needs, the best thing you can do is allow him that time. Have interests and hobbies, or enjoy being on your own. I love my own time, and I love watching my shows. You cannot be with a masculine energy man and needy. It won’t work. 

I hope you’ve learned in this blog the importance of letting men be when they’ve pulled away and why leading a separate, fulfilling life is essential, not to make men your number one priority. You’ve also learned to step back when a man has pulled away, as that will reveal his intentions and how to bring him back if he’s pulled away because of your behaviours.

If you require coaching on your specific situation, you can book a call, or for quick questions, you can purchase an email question, and I’ll get back to you in that format. I also recommend my books and course for more information on men, masculine-feminine energy and relationships.

With love,
Fareen