Dating 101

by | Sep 21, 2021 | Relationships

What should dating look like in our modern day and what’s even appropriate given our hook-up culture and to add, the restraints on activities?

It’s been quite a difficult two years for most singletons, well, I’d say for women embodied in their femininity, especially. Why the distinction? Well, femininity thrives by way of courtship. For a woman embodied in this energy, she’s going to want to see the investment, energy and time a man makes to win her over. This especially would be difficult during times where we are restricted at home. And to my clients, and those that were single, I suggested it’s best to wait and use that time to be alone and discover oneself.

When we’re dating and getting to know someone, the best rule of thumb I go by is “slow is fast.” What does that mean? Well, the slower we are in getting to know someone, the faster we ultimately head in the direction of meeting our life-long partner. When we’re enthralled by someone very quickly, it’s usually trauma bonding, and very rarely is it sustainable long-term. The truth is, healthy mating works kinda slow. Both genders that are primarily integrated and/or secure generally will have plenty of viable options in the dating pool and will take their time during the selection process. I like to say that a first date should be nothing more than a feeling of “ya, I’ll see him/her again.” There really shouldn’t be an overwhelming feeling right away. I mean, how could there be? We have yet to find out about this person. So if we’re going based entirely on looks, or what’s on the surface, we’re likely to be deceived. A first date should also be brief. An hour, maybe two. We want there to be enough to determine if there’s that initial spark and chemistry. That amount of time is sufficient. After that, we want to allow space to observe. A man that is truly interested in a woman, will most definitely set up another date. But as a woman, I’m always on the lookout for red flags. An over-investment in feelings, time, and money right away is a big no-no. No matter how impressive the woman, a man that comes off too strong right away is placing me on a pedestal, and without knowing my heart, it’s insecurity.

It’s important to space out dates at least by a week to gather information during the time apart. To observe not only our feelings but the actions/inaction of our potential partner. The more secure you are, the less you’ll be attracted to minimal investment and on the other extreme, over-investment too quickly. And if we notice this, I recommend to move on. Again, slow is fast. Saying no the moment we feel that things are not right, really signifies high self-worth, and settling will always be detrimental long-term.

Ideally, a man that is interested in a woman will court her and a woman will observe his interests in her. Feelings should naturally and organically build over a period of a few months, with intensity also rising. I recommend waiting to be physical. Even holding hands and any sort of intimacy should progressively increase as time passes. The slower we are initially, the better our discernment and the likelier the attraction.

It’s the tension and buildup that creates a lasting bond between two sexes, not the immediate satisfaction of unmet needs looking to fulfill each other.

I always say allow for at least 3 dates to know if there is something present to continue and 3 months is a good benchmark to see where things are headed. Start slow with dates, and allow the feelings to naturally build. Stay away from home dates as much as possible. In fact, I would not even go there until at least the 2 and a half or 3-month mark. By that point, there should be at least 5-10 dates where a man has consistently invested his time, energy, and resources and a woman should at this point feel safer in knowing his intentions. The men that are not willing to wait, will be weeded out quite quickly and that’s a great thing! Healthy, integrated masculine men are looking to win over a woman that has high discernment and will be very drawn to a woman that has high regard for herself.

Most of all, have fun! The initial stages, actually the entire relationship should feel good 95% of the time! The courting phase is a good indicator to observe how one will feel in the future. If there are doubts, red flags that are ignored within the first 3 months, you better believe those will only get louder.!

Enjoy, be less attached and most of all have fun!


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